To Be “In Love” - The Soaring of My Heart

I have always longed to be “in love.” I have always had this very specific whimsical idea of what being truly, honestly and completely “in love” should look, smell, taste and feel like.When I was younger, I would see this love being experienced solely on television and in the movies. No one in real life around me demonstrated what it is that I thought it should be.

Each person instinctively and without the ability to resist or turn away loves every tiny or not so tiny aspect of the other person. Their thoughts, their hair, their skin color, their laugh, their ideas, their smile, their imperfections, their emotions, their love, their bed head, their passion, their desire, their weaknesses, their faults, their secrets, their heart, their kisses, their toes, their voice would all be overly appealing and intoxicating for the other person. These people are the only ones who could actually conceive a “love child.”  Their love for one another would be uncontrollable; common sense would be out the window. It would be impossible to confine this love. The only option would be to embrace it as compassionately and openly as humanly possible. They would care as much about keeping the love alive as they care about each other and all that they create together.

All of my life, I have desired to be this kind of “in love,” I think I have what it takes for my part, but I just haven’t met someone who was willing to go there with me. In all honesty, it is the greatest sadness of my life thus far. I wonder what’s wrong with me? Do I want too much? Am I the only person who longs for this kind of love? Does this kind of love only exist in the movies? Is it sustainable? Or is it that everyone starts out with this kind of love and no matter what either person does to keep it alive it is bound to fade because of the nature of everything dies? Do people just get sick of trying to make each other happy? No matter what their initial connection was based on, do they just stop caring about the other’s happiness?

My marriage is almost over. In my case I was all in, but it was never enough for my husband. He wasn’t happy, no matter what was happening. He always found a way to turn everything into a burden…even his promotions were a burden. I couldn’t live my life being a burden. I couldn’t live my life constantly cheering someone up when all the while they had the most blessed life. Even when confronted with the reality that he had all of his limbs and was completely healthy, had an amazing wife who is so kind and giving, a beautiful healthy daughter, and an astonishingly stellar career he found a way to dismantle every wonderful thing about it. People who are constantly feeling like a victim and are constantly struggling to survive their semi-charmed kind of life irritate the living shit out me. I can’t be around them. It’s a complete lack of respect for those who literally are overcoming things like gunshot wounds or paralysis.

I am a positive and happy person. My outlook on life is to be happy. I have choices. The power is in my hands. I choose my life. I strongly believe if I want to be happy then the power to achieve that lies within my reach, I just have to choose to live my life reaching for it. If I am going to choose not to reach for it, that doesn’t give me the right to constantly complain and mope around about how horrible my life is. My life is exactly the way I have chosen it to be. If I don’t like something or am not happy about something then I need to make a different choice. If I can’t make a different choice immediately, I find a way to feel good about it until I make a different choice.

I want to believe that this love exists and that one day I will find it…and that I will be able to live out the rest of my days experiencing this kind of love every single day. This kind of love will not be containable; it might strike me as crazy or silly at first. It will consume me and intoxicate me. I won’t be able to turn away from it. It will guide me as it chooses; kind of like this love will be a river and I will simply be a vessel that must follow where it goes. This love will be the answer to what I have been searching for, it will save me, it will humble me, it will make me a better person, and it will complete me.

My only request is that I find it soon, I’ve been without it far too long.